"...Like pulling teeth."

A week and a half ago, on August 1st, I went to a periodontist to have an unfixable molar pulled from my mouth. I had broken a back corner of it off a number of months ago, and try as I might to keep it clean, the damaged had already been done and nothing could save it. I was given 2 options. One, I could drill it out, root canal it, and cap it and hope for the best it doesn't need to be revisited ever again. Or two, I could pull it and have an implant done that would never break or need to be addressed again.

I flashed back to sitting in the Nazi-Dentist's chair when I was a teenager. My Dad had taken me in a paternal gesture to my mother during their divorce. However, my mother was without insurance at the time and my father worked for himself and it was pre-mandatory-healthcare-for-everyone, so I was stuck with a low-cost dentist who operated on a sliding scale. I had most of my teeth drilled out, for reasons unknown, because every dentist I have seen after that has told me it was 1000% unnecessary and would likely result in me getting cavities even easier.

I call this man a Nazi-Dentist because not only was he rude and spoke with a foreign accent, but he gassed me against my will and wishes in order to do all of this work, and when the Novacane wore off halfway through (because, as I would find out many times later in life my body burns through anesthetics at almost a double-time rate) and I began to fight and cry in pain I was told it would cost my father more money to give me more Novacane and he could not afford it, so I was stuck there with these drills in my mouth for what seemed like forever (because I was still semi-out of it due to the laughing gas).

As you can imagine, I was scarred for life. It wasn't the pain, or the drills, or the needles that scarred me; it was lying back in that chair and feeling powerless over the person who stood over me that now gives me panic attacks when I have people too close to my face no matter what the conditions. I even made sure the Perio I saw, Dr. B, knew and understood that I had this fear, and that I had created a solution for myself to not only ease my anxiety but also make sure anyone who is working on my teeth or was in my face could do their job.

My system is simple, I wear headphones and blast music to distract me. But, I also have a hand-raising system where when I raise a hand, they know to back off and give me a minute to regain my composure. I do my best to hold off as long as I can, which includes death-gripping the seat arms and breathing in a ragged, anxious fashion.

Anyway, back to the story at hand, I went into Dr. B's office knowing I would not be allowed the gas because she was pregnant (I have no idea why it mattered but I wasn't going to fight it). I explained my claustrophobia as well as cleared my music request beforehand, and gave them the heads up that I would require LOTS of Novacane.

My mom took me to this extraction appointment, and I had cleared it with her the time and place and she picked me up and brought me there. However, when I was in the chair and numbed up and waiting for the Xanax to finish kicking in, she sent the front desk girl to tell me she had to go to another appointment (that she didn't even F*CKING tell me about in the NUMEROUS F*CKING times I asked her to take me to this appointment) and asked with annoyance how long I'd be. I was so pissed and embarrassed, I asked Dr. B to hold off in starting so I could call my husband. I had the desk girl deliver a message to my mother that she could go and I would find a ride home. With a numb mouth I called him, panicked and upset, and asked that he make a call to a family friend who was picking someone else up and asked him to send her for me, too. He agreed and texted me to confirm she'd be there.

So, now the dread sets in as I feel abandoned (ONCE AGAIN) by my mother and am stuck at the mercy of this adorably young Periodontist. The tooth removal doesn't go quite as planned, with Dr. B unable to extract the whole thing in one piece, and instead needing to break it off in pieces in order to remove it. I also forgot headphones, so I was stuck with the music behind my head but hearing them talk was even more nerve-racking! Eventually, she gets the whole thing out, having to stop, of course, to inject me with Novacane DIRECTLY INTO MY NERVE because injecting it around the gum area did nothing after about 5 minutes as I burned through it quickly. Even Dr. B was amazed how quickly I burned through.

After getting the tooth out, she then puts in a synthetic bone graft material and tops it off with a fatty white booger-looking thing (a synthetic membrane to cover the graft) and puts in 3 sutures to hold it in place. I get the post-op instructions and am sent home on my way.








Well, it's been a week and a half since that happened. Let me tell you it's been no walk in the park. Today I am still tender, and I still have an open wound in my mouth. At some point over the weekend I broke one of the sutures and the fatty membrane came off. It exposed the bone graft and there was a thought that I had either pulled the graft out and gave myself dry socket or it somehow got infected. An emergency visit this past Tuesday told me that none of the above happened, that the bone graft took and I just had some food in the wound and Dr. B gave me a special syringe with a pointy tip to help me keep food out of it while it healed.

And now to the reason why I'm blogging about this.

I'M STARVING!!!!!


I seriously have eaten nothing but soup, scrambled eggs, and oatmeal since August 1st. And the beautiful thing is, that I just don't feel like I NEED food anymore. No, I'm not talking about becoming anorexic. I do still NEED food in my life. But, I'm not eating in portions or quantities that I used to. I know it has alot to do with the fact that I *CAN'T* eat the foods I want, but it's teaching me that I don't *NEED* those foods to live. I've been without soda for the past 10 days, and let me tell you I don't need to go back. I also had not had much else other than the foods I mentioned above, so it's not like I've been eating super-healthy (the soups are canned and of course full of sodium) but I have been making sure to also snack on healthy stuff like unsweetened applesauce, and cottage cheese, and fruit cups with no added sugar. It makes me feel like once this wound is healed and I *CAN* go back to eating whatever I want that I will be more conscious about what goes in my mouth. I also am vowing to take care of my teeth even better than before because I do not EVER want to do this again!

That is all for now, I will update you guys again after Tuesday when I see Dr. B for my (hopefully) last follow-up and let you know when I go back to eating steaks and pizza and best of all, SALAD!! <3

If You're Tired Of Starting Over...

...Then Stop Giving Up.


Such a menial phrase. Yet it's powerful. Powerful enough that I have tried to stop giving up so many times only to give up and get frustrated and feel like a dog chasing its tail and never catching it.

If you do a Google search... this is what you get...

The images stretch on forever, and most all carry the same message: "If you're tired if starting over, then stop giving up."

I looked back over the years on this blog I had so many good posts. I look at the progress I had made and wonder, what was different then than now? Back then... I was at a job I hated, I had a gym membership but cardio was my only go-to (never weights), I would go for walks, or bike rides, or go outside even in the dead of summer when it was hotter than Satan's ballsack. Seriously.
What's going on in my life now that I can't be as successful as I was when I was unhappy for 40+ hours a week? Because I love my job now... I really do. Of course it's full of drama, and of course there are cliques I will never fit into, but turning 30 gave me a new perspective: Not everyone has to like me or has to be as friendly to me as I am to them, and now I'm learning to be okay with that. I used to need everyone's approval, and now I know that I only need my own approval (and at work the boss's approval lol). I have made a few new friends that are spectacular, and some other acquaintances that are fast becoming friends. I'm learning that it's okay for me to spend time with them and leave John to his devices; he's also becoming more social for my sake, often accompanying me to events and gatherings that normally he might not want to go. And if I wasn't so sure he'd find this blog (which, if he does, whatever: Hi honey!), I'd let you in on his birthday gift, but I'll keep that close to the chest for now.

Anyway, I'm going to be doing some soul searching this week. Really trying to figure out what it holding me back, what I think is holding me back (but isn't), and taking a serious inventory on how badly I'd like to lose the excess weight and get back to a healthy zone (notice I didn't say "skinny" or any derivative. I know I'm not meant to be skinny, but if I'm at a healthy weight and have a doctor's nod of approval, that's all I need).

I have a Yes.Fit race I'm currently doing: the Everglades Race, and I have completed only 37.1% since April when I started it. To compare to my kick-ass bestie Amy, she has done I believe 2 more races ON TOP OF the Everglades one since then. So, come July I had better get my ass in gear!!

1st Day of FITmas

On the first day of FITmas, my best friend gave to me....



Amy and I are doing a Christmas-themed Yes.Fit race!
It comes with a super cool medal!!

Isn't it adorable!!!!!!!!

Anyway, you can follow us on Instagram HERE and HERE!

Race along with us using our hashtags!

#12daysofFITmas#facaingnaughtyornice
#facaingdecemberrace
#facainggettingourshitinorder #noexcuses #getoffyourassandmove
#fitspiration #virtualrace #yesfit #ijustwantthemedal

New Beginnings - Starting Today

Well, my blog has changed. I have given it a make-over.

I have a new title: Gulfside Gal Finding Fitspiration

Amy helped me come up with that (although I still think "Princess of Plump" has a nice ring to it!)

I have also reformatted my blog to [hopefully] fit my uploaded images nicely.



Please, follow my new Instagram feed:

GG_Finding.Fitspiration

Also, keep checking back as a Facebook page is in the works! :-)


Now, for a small tidbit about my "new" blog...

I will be using different hashtags to keep my Blog and Instagram feeds consistent.

My personal ones I will use are
#ggff
#ggfindingfitspo
#ggfindingfitspiration
#gulfsidegal

You may follow along and use them as well, and I may re-post some pictures! Also, if you happen to be on a journey like me and are living on the Gulf Side of Florida, use the email me function on the right ---> to shoot me an email, I may just want to buddy up and buddy-blog with you!

I will also use Hashtag Headers to announce certain features on certain days of the week. They will be random and I may not do each header each week, but be on the lookout for my new blog prompts:

-MPM- Meal Plan Monday: new recipes, meal plan tips/tricks I have used, and my personal food accomplishments

-TWI- Tuesday Weigh In: record weight, photos, measurements, etc...

-FIFF- Friday is for FITNESS: fitness tips, focus body parts for the weekend, new classes or workouts I try

-TLT- The Latest Thing: something new and exciting to share whenever!

-GGIA- Gulfside Gal In Action: action shots of outdoor fitness activities! (I'm hoping to use this one more as the weather "cools down")

I also want to say thank you to the few who read this. I know I'm not changing anyone's life, but it feels nice knowing someone reads this, even if I do get a bit whiney! :-P

That's all for now. I'm preparing to go to sleep soon so I can wake up and make tomorrow a good day!

1/3 the Way There, #TLT

Well, Amy and I are trying to hit 10k steps per day!

This is just a quick update to see how I am getting along. I had a few days with very little steps in them, so I know I'm down, but I'm just now calculating how far down I am.

Here's my first 10 days in visual form....

So, 10 days x 10,000 steps per day = 100,000 steps.

As you can see, I only have 72,336 in so far.

That means I'm 27,664 steps in the hole!! :(

If I want to hit 300,000 steps at the end of April, I'll need to tack on another 1,384 steps each day to hit my goal.

Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

• CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!
• Well, I'm taking my nephew to Disney on Tuesday, so I will rack up plenty of steps there!
• I am re-committing to my fitness this week, and I will log some workouts in lieu of steps. (To be fair, if 2,000 steps = 1 mile (-ish), and it takes me about 20:00 to walk 1 mile at an average [not too fast, not too slow] pace, then for every 10:00 of true fitness effort, I will log 1,000 steps.
• I will hit my Step Goal for April!!!
• I'm tired, and am going to bed
• The book I'm reading is okay, but not the author's best work
• I need to get Amy my work schedule for this week.
• ..... Oh crap, I don't know my work schedule this week! I hope I open tomorrow and am not getting up at 4:00am for nothing!! :-\
• I need to plan out my homework for the week so I'm not stuck doing it over the weekend.
• I need to see if any of my classes have released their finals study guides
• I'm still full from lunch from 2:00pm today!! I'll never eat this much again!! :-X
•  This is too many thoughts!! I'm going to bed!

Anyway, goodnight all!

Sunday 3.20.16

So, it's Sunday. I don't have a specific purpose for Sunday blogs, as in I do not have a hashtag for it, but I suppose I can tag this as #TheLatestThing!

Well, for some news, I quit my old gym. Planet Fitness, while judgement-free and serving my basic needs, just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. I hadn't gone in a few weeks, some of it has been scheduling issues, some of it has been my slacking off, some of it has been just the boring same-old thing that I just got tired of.

So, I went looking for a new gym. I didn't want to go back to Around the Clock Fitness, with it's free-weight section full of meat-heads and grunting idiots. I didn't want to go back to L.A. Fitness, because they are almost twice as much as any other gym I've been a member of. I know I can't do it on my own, not yet, as I still need the companionship of others around me to keep me motivated while I am there.

So, I went exploring. There is a "Wellness Center" at the hospital right by my house. It's the same hospital I volunteer at each Monday. I get a discount there, amenities like showers, steam room, changing stalls, a pool, heated hydrotherapy pool, plus there are many classes including group exercise, spin, and water aerobics classes!

I ended up joining. It's more than PF was per month, but not nearly as much as any of the previous gyms I've joined. The hours are alittle more limited, but they are still open enough for me to get there with my current work schedule. Mondays are too crowded, so I will use that day each week as a rest day.

I also plan on cardio 3x per week, and weights 3x per week. If I work out 5 days, then one of those days will be both cardio and weights.

I can also track my fitness routines online. The cool thing about the Wellness Center is they use FitLinxx in order to keep track of my routines, as well as overall health. It was set up with me by a personal fitness coach, and I can go to any coach in duty to have my range of motion reset, to adjust my base weight for each machine, as well as answer any questions I may have about my fitness routines or my target fitness goals.

As you can see, the 16th was an okay day for me. I came in, logged into my FitLinxx system, did 31 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, then did some weights, then finished it off with a total-body workout... laps in the pool!!
I ended up swimming 10 lengths (5 laps), for a total of 250 yards, which is just over 1/4th of a mile!

So, there you have it. The Latest Thing is that I joined a new gym; one that, for me, will be new and exciting for a while, and will allow me the fellowship I missed of group exercise classes, while also giving me new options like swimming and water aerobics!

Poem

So, I had a moment of hesitation tonight. I was in the hospital doing my Monday night volunteer thing, and I was curious about how much nurses make. My head nurse, I will call her H, told me she works four 12-hour days as her workweek, as do many of the other nurses. I looked up what a nurse in my area makes, on average. $60k. That's the average amount. Checking with CareerBuilder and the hospital's careers page directly, and they report close to the same numbers, about $27/28 per hour for Full-Time Nurses.

What if I'm in school for the wrong thing? What if I would make a great nurse, and have wasted so much time doing something else?

What if I hate my job?

What if I never get a job?

What if I never finished school?

Where is my summer tuition payment coming from?

....And so the spiral began. Into the deep dark hole of insecurity and uncertainty; of wanting to run away and leave everything behind; of feeling miserable about being my age and not having a definitive plan of action, or a clear course laid out.

But, instead of clamming up and losing my head, I decided to start writing... and I ended up with a poem.

Enjoy.

Starting Again

It's 112 days until July 4th. A day in which I had planned on having a "bikini body" ready to debut. 

Obviously, that's not going to happen. I will be in a one-piece for sure. But, I'm okay with that.

Today is going to be a new day. 

I just haven't had the motivation to refocus myself and buckle back down. I say to myself that I just don't have the time, that I have too much on my plate, but in truth it's that I don't want to make the time. The pity party I have settled into is easy, comfortable, effortless.

But it's not good for me. It wouldn't be good for anyone! 

So, I'm going to take this one day at a time. Focus on what I can control, let go of what I can't control.

I have a calendar that I use to map out my homework for each week. I'm going to fill in my work schedule and my homework schedule, and then each day I'm going to find time to spend on myself. Running, weights, drawing, painting, I will spend time really focusing on myself and my overall health.

I've created a few new hashtags and images that I'll start using. I want to blog more often, and hopefully create something of these ramblings.

So, here's the newest hashtag/image....

I will use this when I have something new to share!

So.... here it is! It's the outline to my first Watercolor painting! It's the iconic character of Jack Torrance played by a great actor..... Jack Nicholson!

(my outline - ready to move to watercolor paper)

(Reference shot)

I'll post more pics as the progress happens...!

Re-cap, February, Week 1

Well, I think it's about time I dust off this thing and use it ... especially since this is today's #DailyChallenge for Amy's and my #30DayChallenge and #FaCaingGettingOurShitInOrder


Well, let's look at the first week of February's Challenge!

If you can't read it, it goes as follows:
Weekly Challenge - Photo Challenge - Snap a pic in action this week!

Results:

Nada. I actually didn't take a single picture of myself this week. I also only got to the gym once (Monday) and despite my best efforts of planning my whole week out (meals, homework, gym, work, etc etc etc) it failed almost immediately because of my work schedule. So many people were out sick this week and it was tough and I stayed late a few days and ended up with some decent overtime because of it.

The daily challenges were:

Document your progress….time for new pictures and measurements

Be electronic free for 30 minutes

Drink half your weight in oz’s of water today

Set one simple goal you can accomplish today

Smile at a stranger

Get in 30 minutes of exercise today

Update your blog this week

Results:

-I did take new pictures and measurements, which is at least something!

-I was electronic free on Tuesday on my way home from work. I spent the 45-minute drive home through end-of-day traffic crying. It was a long, stressful day that day.

-I did not drink half my weight. Close, I drank about 100oz of 122oz that day, so I will check this as a win for the day.

-The one goal I set for myself was not to cry at work. I had just come off a stressful day and was going back for another long-ass day. Did I cry? Nope. I came close many times, but I held it off.

-Smiling at a stranger is something I do every day. I work in customer service!

-30 minutes of exercise? Hah! Although I hit my 10,000 step goal today, it was because we spent the day running errands and generally running around, not because I made it to the gym or was running in any real fashion,

-I am currently updating my blog! YaY!

So, overall, I "technically" hit most of my daily challenges, but I still feel like I failed, because I did not log once, nor did I follow my meal plan after like.... Tuesday... and I got to the gym once. ONCE.

So, tomorrow begins a new week, and I have yet to plan out my week. I haven't made a single list, chart, or whatever. Not even for homework. Which is not a good thing. My life may be hectic, but homework is one thing I cannot just throw to the wind and play by ear.

So... what is wrong with me?! Maybe I'm wearing too many hats. I probably am...

--Full time employee

--Full time student

--Wife

--Volunteer

--Myself

I pretty much have it in that order, too. I can't avoid work, and school is more important but also more flexible; I still have to maintain my house and my husband, I volunteer once a week at the hospital, and after all of that it leaves very little time for anything I may want to do, including health/fitness and even my hobbies. Hell, I have to get up early just to finish laundry sometimes! >.<

Lucky for me, I'm not working tomorrow. My only true plan is to babysit my mother who is getting her permanent bottom denture put in. She'll need a ride to and from the dentist office, and I am bringing her to my house to rest and sleep off the anesthesia. I'll be able to get alot done, too. John will be working, the house will be quiet, and I'll have the whole day to myself.

So, the plan is...

Tonight: get my week planned for the challenge!

For tomorrow (Monday):

--Build my homework schedule for the week

--Take the food logging one day at a time! One meal at a time if I have to!

--Figure out 3 days to make it to the gym

--Get ahead with homework reading for the week

--Take 2 hours for myself on my other day off (Sunday) to do something I want to do (which in this case is try out my new watercolor paints!)

Personal Trainer - Lila

So, in a hail-mary of an effort to kickstart myself back into gear, I looked into hiring a personal trainer. I googled, and came to thumbtack.com, their tagline right on the front says it all, "From house painting to personal training, we bring you the right pros for every project on your list." It looked alittle like what Care.com is for babysitters and nannys, but for everything else.
So, I put in an "ad" for a personal trainer. I put in the basics like my name, location, email, etc... then I also put in what I was looking for in a personal trainer. Gender preference, price range, what style of personal training I was looking for (more Jillian Michaels, or more Bob Harper?), and then sat and waited.
The next day, (previous Thursday),  I had multiple responses. the first one I looked at was out on Ft Myers Beach (hah! no thanks)... I sent her a message explaining how I cannot travel that far. The next two, Mike and Lila, were both very enthusiastic in their messages to me.
Mike, a former MMA fighter turned coach, had more of the crossfit/bootcamp style to his look and home gym. Battle ropes, heavy bags, speed bags, it was an awesome little piece of fitness heaven.
Lila, was this adorable little blonde who had the Jillian Michaels scowl down pat and was all about the HIIT training (high intensity interval training). She lived 3.2 miles away from me.
I met Mike last Monday, and he was very nice. He was running an October special where you could bring a workout partner for free. But, even if he didn't mean it, there was a catch. It was already the 12th, he had no openings that week, the next week he was going on vacation, so my training would not start until the 26th. Oh, so my husband can come three times and that's it?? Cool!... [NOT].
Last Wednesday, I met Lila. Even before meeting with her (or even hiring her!) She sent me this whole big email with tons of information on it! It had meal suggestions, pantry lists, good and bad foods, snack suggestions, all sorts on healthy information! And best of all?? SHE WASN'T SELLING ME A SHAKE, PROTEIN POWDER, PILL, OR FALSE PROMISE! She called those things and fad diets "total bullhockey" and said stay away! Her meeting was alittle different. She took my vitals down like my BP, my height, weight, and measurements. I did a bodyfat test (we'll get to this in a minute), and then we went through a workout. Like, a real... legit... workout. no wait, let me back up, first she put me through a fitness test. How many pushups, how long I could hold a plank, how long I could hold squats and lunges, etc. It was to see where my weak areas were (core and arms, which I knew).
So, we're going through this workout. She explains what each move is if I'm unfamiliar, and we do as many [SAFE] reps as we can in a 45sec period followed by 10sec of rest. And she meant it. There was only pauses to explain a move if I wasn't sure what it was, and then we went right back into it.
Needless to say, I hired Lila. And she's AWESOME.

Going back to the body fay thing, so this little handheld device said I'm at 36% bodyfat. For my height and weight, that's obese. Obvs. lol
She put down her pen and looked over all of my information. She then looked at me and said "I'm going to be honest. You're going to be the one who has to put in the work to make the change." I told her I knew that, and that I was ready to do so, especially because I'm now going to pay someone to help me with the things I struggle with. She then said "Well, in that case, I feel confident that if you do 2-3 sessions a week, put in your best effort, change up some of the dietary suggestions we've talked about so far, I think you could lose 10% points by the New Year"

HOLD THE PHONE!

Did she really just say that? She sure as sugar did! And I got excited. It was the first time anyone outside of those who have to be nice to me (friends and family), looked beyond the shell, the outside, and saw the potential I had inside. I damn near cried right then and there. So, instead I held out my hand and said, "You're hired!"

Fast forward a few days, and yesterday (Saturday), Lila and I met in a little park to do our workout. Her in-laws wanted one last day by the pool, so we took our workout outside. And it was a beautiful morning! We met around 11:00, which meant I left the house at 10:20, because I walked the 1.2 miles to get there (it's so close to my house I figured why not add that little extra!)

We get warmed up, HIIT style (squats, punches, etc, in sets with little rest between). Then we go through the workout. She said, "Ok, I want us to get through this 8 times over. It's called the Unyielding Workout." We got through it 4 times. My knees did start to get sore, but I knew my mind was trying to give up. I also am alittle slow, because yes, I'm out of shape. So, my goal for next time is to work on making the move perfect, rather than keeping up with speed. Lila says she'd rather have 1 perfect lunge than 10 crooked or rushed ones.

Unyielding Workout

20 Squats

Pyramid Burpees (first set 10, next set 9, next set 8, etc)

10 Lunges back to front (lunge back, then step that leg forward into a front lunge, then do other leg)

10 plank walk push ups

20 shoulder taps

20 mountain climbers

10 side-side punch sit ups (sit up, punch left, then right, then back down)

10 leg raises (to 45 degrees only)

20 Russian twists

Talk about unyielding! She let me have about a minute or two between sets, and little time between the reps themselves (enough time for water or to adjust my mat).

She also gave me "homework"... finish the other 6 sets I have not done of this workout! She didn't say she wanted them done before our next session, but I am going to try and have them done by Wednesday at the latest!

Lila did not sell me false hope, or give me any sort of forced pep talk. She is enthusiastic and loves to give positive reinforcement, but only when I deserve it! She asks for deeper lunges and gives me alternative when my knees just can't do it anymore!

I have three session this upcoming week: Monday after work, Wednesday and Friday mornings. I am excited! I want to show her my food diary and exercise log and show her I'm trying to put the work in on my end! I have had a couple of cheat foods, but Lila says that's okay as long as they are "cheat meals", not "cheat days", because I'll undo all of the work I'm putting in.. I have struggled a little bit so far with the food, but I keep looking back at all of the health stuff she sent me and am working on eating closer to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle.

I'll close with the biggest reason why I think Lila is going to help me achieve what I want with my life and body... I lost 5lbs alone from Wednesday to Saturday, by changing what I eat and getting that first ass-kicking workout in!

Motivation And My Lack Of It

In honor of Amy getting back on the horse with her latest blog post, I decided to name my latest post with the same title!

I have had quite a last few... months. Weeks. Days. Hours.
I'm on an emotional roller coaster, with no signs of slowing. It has been about 6 months since the IUD placement, and my hormones are still not leveling out like I had hoped; but the doctor said it could take up to a year before I really feel "in control".

"In control".... what a bullshit term. I am not in control of anything. At least it feels that way.

My eating has gotten completely out of control again. My exercise is a laughable excuse of not having enough hours in the day or days in the week. My emotions are a damn train-wreck of fire and burning bodies and death.

I miss my besties. I wish they lived closer. As it is, I have been filling my need for social connection with new friends, alcohol, and drunken rambles about life, and how I feel like a shitty human being.

In honor of this blog post, I also feel obligated to share some secrets and news.

Secret 1: I am trying to find a new job. And I'm using connections in my current job to do so.

Secret 2: I have finally broken down, and have reached the point where I hate myself more than my inflamed and oversized ego can cover for. My depression is leaking like a small puncture in a balloon, and if I don't seek therapy soon, I have a real fear that I may try and hurt myself to escape the mental pain. (For those reading, please do not Baker Act me. I know I need help, and I am actively seeking it. Actively: have names and numbers of therapists and just need the week to start so I can call them).

News 1: I am also so sick and tired of putting in minimal effort at the gym and not seeing the magical results the irrational side of me thinks should be there, so I've looked into getting a personal trainer/nutritionist. I have two I am currently interviewing, with one I hope to meet tomorrow and another I hope to meet on Wednesday.

For the one tomorrow, John is even coming with me. Because right now, this guy has a special where you get someone to work out with you for free for the month! I think it would be cool if John was able to get on board with this. Right now, I think he's only coming with me because I asked him to and he might feel I am trying to guilt him into it. The truth of the matter is that I want him to change for himself, because I'm doing it for ME too, I'm not doing it for him.

The woman I'm likely meeting on Wednesday is close to my age, cute as a button, and hopefully able to kick my ass into gear. I have already explained I need tough love from her, and would love to be pushed to my limits!

Both personal trainers will come at a cost, and it's not a pretty one. Both are manageable, especially with my most recent pay increase, but at the same time my irrational fear is that I will pay for the month and go like two times. Or maybe, it will have the opposite effect and I will be more motivated to go and "get my money's worth", so to speak.

I am still full to the brim with emotions and thoughts and everything else... But, I don't have the energy to write any more.

I'm sure I'll post an update to my personal trainer stuff this week! :)

Photography Challenge - October

While it was fun to do the Plank Challenge with Amy, it was time to refocus and maybe spent the month practicing some self-love.

So we're doing a photography challenge!!

I know that there are 31 days in the month and this challenge only has 30 days, so we'll have to come up with a helluva day 31 photo!

Follow me on Instagram - @PinkElbows

And follow Amy on Instagram - @AmyBickmore

As well as her FaceBook page - Diary of a Fat Girl

And her blog as well!! - Diary of a Fat Girl

Sticks and Stones... A response to Nicole Arbour's "Dear Fat People" video

So, if you haven't heard, Comedian Nicole Arbour posted a video this week that the media and a ton of people is labeling as a "fat-shaming" video. I watched it, to see what the hype was about..

I can't say I found it funny (a few parts were chuckle-worthy). But offensive? Bullying? Fat-shaming?

Since when do we live in a world where someone else's words automatically dictate how we feel about ourselves?

I learned a long time ago (elementary school) that people are going to say mean things. And they will say them for a variety of reasons: maybe they are put down at home by a sibling or a parent, maybe their self esteem is low and they cut down others to make themselves feel better (which in turn only makes them feel worse), maybe they know that controversy is really the only way for attention, maybe they really are a sociopath and have no regard for anyone else, or maybe they are a high-functioning autistic who has no filter on their mouth. Whatever their reason, it's up to you to decide how someone else's words make you feel.

Self-proclaimed "fat girl" Whitney Thore even posted a response to Nicole's video. I have not watched that one, and truthfully, I don't want to. Whitney has done alot to open the dialogue for weight issues in the media. I hear she even has her own show on some TV channel, good for her. If being the "fat girl" is who she wants to be, that's fine.

People have asked me, "Well, what do you think about that fat chick Whitney?" .... Am I supposed to have an opinion on this? My favorite is to ask people why they think I even know who she is or support her cause.... "Well... you know... because.... [they gesture to my overweight body]...."

This is what's wrong with the country. It's not the fight themselves, but the globalization of these fights. A white cop shoots a black man, and all of a sudden the whole country is in an uproar about race violence. When statistics and truth show that black-on-black violence is much more common and often more deadly than white-on-black. A large woman self labels as a "fat girl" and is proud of who she is, and all of a sudden anyone not in a single-digit jean size should be too? No, you'll actually find many overweight individuals don't like the extra attention they are getting because of this body movement. I am one of them. Leave me and my personal demons alone; just because I carry mine on the outside doesn't mean you're allowed to comment on them. Mothers who don't breastfeed their child for one reason or another are automatically labeled bad mothers, when you truly don't understand the struggle it can be to breastfeed or the numerous biological impairments that can happen or the emotional havoc it can wreak on a mother who so desperately wants to nurse but find that she cannot for whatever reason. No one has their whole story written on their skin, so stop talking to people like you've read it all before.

Because I'm overweight automatically means I'm behind and supportive of this  #NoShameBodyCampaign .... No, I am ashamed of my body. If I could hide from the world I would. But, a girl's gotta work. I put myself in this body, and it sure as hell isn't going to lose itself overnight. I am working on it. But like life, there is no one single answer. It's not black and white. It's black, and white, and grey, and green, and blue, and pink.

This leads me back up to the Eleanor Roosevelt quote above: "NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your CONSENT."

You go, Eleanor!

I learned a long time ago that people are going to have their opinions. Moreover, they will sometimes give you their opinions without asking if you'd like it. Even moreso, they will force their opinion on you and get angry when you don't support or agree with it. You just have to let it go in one ear and out the other. You need to make the best decision you can with what you have, and go from there.

I won't condone what Nicole has posted on YouTube. After all, it's her own account and Free Speech is still a constitutional right (although I think she's from Canada? How does that work?) People can have their opinions, but no one should be threatening harm or violence, or egging someone else on to kill themselves. That's just plain wrong, in any context. Even comedians dare not go there without serious backlash. Suicide is not funny.

Let the comedian continue to say what is funny or edgy to her. I think she has great potential aside from the pot-stirring she is doing now from all this attention. Her video on the "The History of BRAS" is pretty funny to me...

The 35 Day Challenge and its Challenges! Plus a NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!

Hello!

I am now 11 days into my #Julies35DayPlan (follow me with that hashtag on Instagram!) and it has been a struggle so far. Not only have some of my planned days been completely changed, but I find that it is hard to really fit what I've planned into my day.

But, NO EXCUSES! I have still hit the gym every single day except for one, where I still managed to make it count by working out at home. I am trying to shift focus to my eating moreso than the exercise, because that seems to need more attention from me!

Anyway, for Days 11 - 14 I am going to continue the way I did where I searched Pinterest for a new workout to try. For Week 3, I will find a Pin for each of my areas (arms, legs, core, abs, circuit, booty) and I will use the same routine for the whole week. I think that will alleviate some stress and also be easier for me to keep track of!

Amy also decided to challenge me a bit more... though that may not have been her intention from the start, it has turned into a challenge we are going to take head on and totally kill it!!

I do not know why I'm doing this. It's crazy and will be CRAZY CHALLENGING!!! But, I know I can do it! I mean.... how hard can a 5 minute plank REALLY BE?!?!?! (haha... I'm slightly dying on the inside because 20 seconds is torture!)

Anyway, you can follow our antics on Instagram by using the hashtag:

Amy is a genius and came up with this awesome double-meaning tag! Fa = Florida, Ca = Canada, [FaCaing] as a whole sort of sounds out to sound like [Fu*king] And then you have Planks in there. Genius!!

Find us on Instagram!

PinkElbows (me)

AmyBickmore (Amy)

Just checking in...

Hello bloggers! I'm just checking in on you.... how the hell are ya?!?!

Things with me have been a roller coaster... And not necessarily all a good one!

My Maid of Honor/Cousin/Practically Sister/Bestie and my Ex-Roommate/Husband's Bestie/BrothaFromAnothaMotha/Best Man got married about 3 weeks ago. It was such a fun time and it was beautiful and wonderful and I could not be happier that they found each other. They both deserve so much happiness and goodness in their lives and I think they found it in each other.

That being said, there was drama stirred up. The short of it is that my Mother decided to give her opinion away without being asked for it, and it was a rude/mean/uncalled for opinion at that. Luckily, those on the receptive end of this opinion knew how much of a shitty selfish person she is and didn't give this any thought.. They deleted the message and moved on.

I, on the other hand, also dealt with her shit, and adding the stunt she pulled with that other person, well... I went into a Hulk-like rage. It had me fuming and writing what was going to be the most epic and mean tell-off in the history of tell-offs. But, my husband calmed me down and reminded me that this is the game she plays. She manipulates and baits me and waits for me to fall into her trap. Well not this time. Instead, I enjoyed a nice weekend away from her, away from the sadness and hurt I felt, away from the shame of knowing just how selfish and mean she really is and away from the fact that she does not really care for me. If she did, she would not manipulate and hurt me the way that she did and has for years.

When I got back from the Wedding Weekend, I decided it was time to finally separate with love. As in, I cannot access my love for her any longer. I will always love her to a degree as she is the woman who brought me into this world, but I can no longer be the friend she wants or thinks she needs because it is emotionally and psychologically toxic for me. So, I started writing letters. They were very angry letters, filled with the CAPS LOCK and hurtful words and even a few death wishes. But of course I did not send these to her. These are therapeutic, and are for my eyes only.

I am still writing letters when I feel a rise of emotion, because I cannot break up with her while I'm angry. It means she's won. No, I need to break up with her when I'm calm and at peace with myself. It's only when I'm in my happy place can I reserve the emotions that will undoubtedly play out when I tell her that I want to limit my contact with her for a while until she can learn to stand on her own two feet instead of digging her heels into my back while she stands on me.

I was in the angry place for a long time. I only recently moved through the rest of the 5 stages of grief and into the acceptance stage. At this point, I have still limited my contact with her. Mostly it is because I want to confront her face to face. I don't want it to be via email, phone, or text, because she can gain the high ground if I'm not in front of her. I am still not quite sure what I want to say, but I think it's best for now if I just limit my contact with her. A phone call once a month, and she can stay my friend on Facebook... or a phone call once a week and I will no longer be her friend on Facebook. I think those will be the choices I give to her. But I don't want to see her right now, and I don't think I will want to for a long time. I am still hurt. I don't think she will ever understand just how little she made me feel and how ashamed I was to my friends. My heart aches for my mother to be just a mother to me, but she has a stranglehold on my life like I can never be 100% happy without her, but I have never even been 75% happy with her.

I'm sorry I ranted. Even talking with John and my M.I.L, I still feel like I am carrying a truckload of emotion on my shoulders. I'm looking into getting a therapist, someone who can help me be objective and listen without judgement and help me to figure out what the hell to do. I just can't really commit to a set day/time session, and I haven't found someone I can make varying sessions with yet.

Anyway, moving on.

I have been back on the wagon and hitting it hard with my eating habits and exercise. I have logged everything through LoseIt that has gone into my mouth since Monday, July 27th and have been to the gym all but 3 days since then as well. My FitBit died and it took me about a week to replace it, so my steps are alittle low, but that has been fixed now and I am back to counting my steps as well.

I have created a little spreadsheet for the next 5 weeks to help me work out more than just my gossip-mouth on the treadmill. I took an idea from Pinterest to rotate what I work out. Notice I have cardio every day but Saturday, because it is healthy to keep up, even if it's a 30 minute walk. And my cardio will vary from day to day... it may be the bike, it may be the elliptical, it may be zumba... Who knows?! (Well, I do, as I have planned out my workouts for the next week).

I have also added some targeted zones I want to work out. Core will be alot of planks and yoga, to help gain a sense of balance. Arms, legs, abs, will all have focuses within their groups. I may focus on obliques one session and my back another (in the abs category). I may only work my shoulders and triceps as opposed to my chest and biceps. The circuit is all about an overall balance of working my whole body, and of course my favorite category, "Dat Booty". lol. I couldn't help it. I want a nice, plump butt. I love how they look on people, and I want one damnit!

I added one day of rest each week as well, to ensure I'm giving my muscles time to recover. On the days I do one category more than once (like three days of arms in a row Sun-Tues), I am planning on focusing on lower weight but higher reps, to make sure I don't overload my muscles. I will also rotate the focus on the specific muscle groups, so I don't do any damage. I am finding most of my workouts through Pinterest, and keeping them simple with the use of hand barbells, kettlebells, and a stability ball.

So, where does this put me really? Well, when I started logging my food (7/27) I weighed in at 250lbs. Ouch. As someone who vowed never to join the 250-club again, I was awfully disappointed on myself. I weighed in yesterday, as I think I will make a habit of doing, and was down to 243.2lbs. A loss of 6.8lbs. Not as impressive as you may think. Most of it I'm sure is sugar/soda weight. I have not had a soda since I started tracking my calories. And also since I really put it in my head that if I want a soda I might as well eat the 16.5 sugar cubes that are contained in a 20oz bottle. Yeah.... 16 and a half sugar cubes! YIKES!! I pinned this graphic and have put this near my desk and on the fridge so I know exactly what I should do if I want another soda.

So anyway, my goal is to hit 200 before the new year is up. It will be tough, considering Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are the big eating holidays for me and my family, but I think I will make it work. John and I are in charge of Thanksgiving this year, and I will be on the hunt for a special plate to use very soon. It will be one of those divided plates and I will make sure I am balancing my calorie-heavy foods with the healthy stuff. It may be alittle less "traditional" than everyone is used to, but they will deal with it. :-P

If you look below, this is my current stats on LoseIt. Based on losing 2lbs per week, I should hit my goal in January. But I will need to be a little more vigilant and kick that into losing it by the end of the year. If I can continue to stay away from the soda and limit my take on sugary goodness bad stuff, and keep track of my calories in VS calories out, I should have no problem hitting that goal. I'm also looking for a New Year's Day 5k or maybe even a half marathon to run. It will give me a tangible running goal to work towards.

That was all I really had going. I miss being on here and blogging. Even though I only have a few followers (Thanks Amy and Ashley! <3) I like the idea of this helping me to hold myself accountable.

2015 Reading Challenge - Updated 7/10/15

Update - 7/10/15 - So, I'm reposting this as a blog so it comes up in the newest feed. I will do that for every month and highlight the books I've finished.

I took what seems to be the entire month of June off. I think I read one book. Wow. I have some catching up to do for sure!! :)




So, one of my co-workers who is also a Pinterest user found this 2015 Reading Challenge.

It looks like the list originates from PopSugar, which is a website I love for their fitness tips and articles.

I'm compiling my list of books now, so that way I don't need to wait to transition from book to book. I feel pretty good. I might only be able to have a good run for the Spring, because I'm hoping to start at my University for the summer at least, if not the fall. This will be updated periodically, as I find more books to add to the list. I'll also be striking through what I have read.

So, here'e reading list, and my picks! (And the date I finished them!)

• A book with more than 500 pages
• Inferno, Dan Brown
• A classic romance
• The Princess Bride, William Goldman
• A book that became a movie
• Still Alice, Lisa Genova
• A book published this year
• Playlist for the Dead, Michelle Falkoff
• A book with a number in the title
• Four, Veronica Roth
• A book written by someone under 30
• The Kissing Booth, Beth Reekles
• A book with nonhuman characters
• The Underneath, Kathi Appelt
• A funny book
• My Horizontal Life, Chelsea Handler
• A book by a female author
• The Other Boleyn Girl, Philippa Gregory 1-12-15
• A mystery or thriller
• Eyes, Joseph Glass 6-29-15
• A book with a one-word title
• Blood, Joseph Glass
• A book of short stories
• What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, Raymond Carver
• A book set in a different country
• The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson
• A nonfiction book
• The Astronaut Wives Club, Lily Koppel
• A popular author's first book
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey
• A book from an author you love that you haven't read yet
• Afterworld, Scott Westerfeld
• A book a friend recommends
• Prayers For Sale, Sandra Dallas 6-10-15
• A Pulitzer Prize winner
• Olive Kitteridge, Elizabeth Strout
• A book based on a true story
• A Stolen Life, Jaycee Dugard
• A book at the bottom of your to-read list
• Casual Vacancy, J.K. Rowling
• A book your mom loves (except my mom doesn't read so in going to read a book my husband loves)
• 
  
• A book that scares you
• The End of Alice, A.M. Holmes
• A book more than 100 years old
• At the Pulpits of Wittenberg, Martin Luther (NOT MLKJr.)
• A book based entirely on its cover
• 
  
• A book you were supposed to read in school but didn't
• The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
• A book you can finish in 1 day
• Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak
• A book with antonyms in the title
• Death: A Life, George Pendle
• A book set somewhere you've always wanted to visit
• A book that came out the year you were born
• Misery, Stephen King, 1987 1-28-15
• A book with bad reviews
• 
  
• A trilogy
• Matched, Ally Condie 3-3-15
• Crossed, Ally Condie 3-6-15
• Reached, Ally Condie
• A book from your childhood
• Hatchet, Gary Paulsen
• A book with a love triangle
• Mr. Fox, Helen Oyeyemi 4-21-15
• A book set in the future
• Allegiant, Veronica Roth
• A book set in high school
• Bully, Penelope Douglas
• A book with a color in the title
• The White Queen, Philippa Gregory
• A book that made/will make you cry
• By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead, Julie Ann Peters 1-31-15
• A book with magic
• The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger
• A graphic novel
• Vampire Academy Graphic Novel Series, Leigh Dragoon 7/10/15
• A book by an author you've never read before
• Drawing Dead, Bennett Shelfer (I've met the author but never read his book!)
• A book you own but have never read
• Unlimited, Jillian Michaels
• A book that takes place in your hometown
• Sworn Jury, John D. Mills
• A book that was originally written in a different language
• The Night Watch, Sergei Lukyanenko
• A book set during Christmas
• A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
• A book written by an author with your same initials
• The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
• A play
• Doubt, John Patrick Shanley
• A banned book
• Of Mice and Men, Gary Steinbeck
• A book based on, or turned into a TV show
• The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle
• A book you started but never finished
• The Autobiography of Henry VIII, Margaret George

If you love reading, this list is a challenge. I had a hard time finding books written by authors with my same initial, and finding books set in my hometown. What I look forward to most is finding some new authors to love, instead of sticking to my old reliables!

Hero's Failure and Getting Back Up

As much as my dearest friend Amy has been checking in on me, I have failed to keep up with the Hero's Journey. I realize now, that it was way too much, too fast. How was I to hit the ground at 60 mph, when really I should start with a light jog and then maybe some healthy eating? After all, I keep telling myself and all of you that it's ...

So, I'm making a change. 30 Days of it to be exact.

Because, not only does Darebee.com have the Hero's Journey, but they have over a half dozen more programs to help you, and most of them do not require weights of any kind!!

So, I looked through them, and am trying a new program. Starting tomorrow (Monday). 30 Days of Change.

30 Days of Change

BOOM.

It's not complicated, no points or storyline. Just simple, every day exercises. And easier ones at that. Because believe me when I say that doing "pushups til failure" means I only do 1. Because my upper arm strength is nonexistent.

Along with this new program, I'm going to focus back on my eating. (See 1st pic above). I need to realize at some point that eating shit and working out do not go together. I will not be following Darebee.com's Modern Hero Diet like I tried with the Hero's Journey, but I will be using it as a guide. John is cooking up like 10lbs of chicken breast today for the week, and I will portion out accompanying sides like brown rice, brussel sprouts, and so on, to go with my protein. I will also focus on making delicious breakfasts and limiting my snacking to veggies or fruit only. And, I'm back off soda, AGAIN.

It feels like a song and dance I do monthly, but I have printed several copies of this....

...and have put them in all of the important places, which I will rotate weekly, or else I will just ignore it. This week I have one in the office above my computer monitor, and one in the mirror on my sun visor, which I use almost every day.

So, here's to another chance, another change, and 30 days of success. 

Hero's Journey by Darebee: Day 1

Today wasn't the greatest day ever. By no stretch, was it the worst either. I was overworked and underFED at work today (no lunch in a 10-hour shift), plus I packed and hauled a total of 480-ish pounds in 28 varying size boxes up and down counters and my whole body ached when I got home.

I convinced the husband to take me out, and we went to a local salad bar where I did pretty good, considering I hadn't eaten since this morning. Then I came home and we cooked about 12 chicken breasts for lunches/meals for the week, as well as broke up a pork loin into 2 roasts (freezed) and about 10 chops (4 kept out) for my pork nights this week.

Then I came into the office and powered through the Hero's Journey Day 1 workout.

It sucked. I was miserable, and it wasn't even that hard.

Day 1 - Press "Start" To Play
Level I - 60 Reps

Side Leg Raises
Squats
Mountain Climbers
Toe Tap Hops

See... Not terrible. But it hurt. Especially those mountain climbers. Brutal on my already sore shoulders!

Anyway, here were my meals for the day:

Meals Planned:
-Breakfast: oatmeal with fruit + 1 banana
-Meal A: ham, tomato, lettuce sammich
-Meal B: roasted pork with brussel sprouts (as I do not have green beans)
-Snackie: cottage cheese

Meals Executed:
-Breakfast: oatmeal with fruit
-Snackie: cottage cheese

Everything else I ate was not on the meal plans. UGH!

I will get my before pictures up soon, so look for an update on that!

Interesting Article

So, I was grocery shopping today, and I got in the car after loading my groceries in the trunk of the car, and my brain had a really interesting question for me.

What happens to the shelf life of veggies if you cut them up?

Seems pretty harmless, but if you've ever cut up an avocado and then walked away for 10 minutes, you know that sometimes the air and knife can be mean to your food.

I was more interested in my snacking veggies, like carrots and celery and green peppers; durable nuggets of produce goodness that I can pack in my lunch and nibble on whenever. I just am not a fan of bringing whole pieces to work, and I get funny looks if I pack a paring knife with me.

So, I asked Google. "Hey Google, what happens when I cut my veggies up ahead of time?"

For once, the first result was not only helpful, but exactly what I was looking for!

"How does cutting, slicing, and chopping affect fresh vegetables?"

It's a semi-tough read, getting somewhat technical and biological about "harming" the veggies (bear with me, it gets better).

But basically, what I took away from the article, was that you should have the shortest amount of time possible from cutting the veggies to consumption for most, but that the sharper the blade, the less "stress" you cause the veggie, and the more fresh your veggie stays. For durable veggies like carrots and celery and the like, you have more time before expiration than you do with more sensitive veggies, like lettuce and mushrooms (although they are technically a fungus and not a veggie). You would also want to research and store like-veggies together in a proper container.

All in all, I know I can go ahead and chop up my carrots, celery, and green peppers and put them in tupperware for the week. I can also dice onions for any weeknight meals, so long as I use them in a few days. It will help make meal preps go faster, and portions stay controlled better.

Happy eating, y'all! :)