Thursday, August 6, 2015

Just checking in...

Hello bloggers! I'm just checking in on you.... how the hell are ya?!?!

Things with me have been a roller coaster... And not necessarily all a good one!

My Maid of Honor/Cousin/Practically Sister/Bestie and my Ex-Roommate/Husband's Bestie/BrothaFromAnothaMotha/Best Man got married about 3 weeks ago. It was such a fun time and it was beautiful and wonderful and I could not be happier that they found each other. They both deserve so much happiness and goodness in their lives and I think they found it in each other.

That being said, there was drama stirred up. The short of it is that my Mother decided to give her opinion away without being asked for it, and it was a rude/mean/uncalled for opinion at that. Luckily, those on the receptive end of this opinion knew how much of a shitty selfish person she is and didn't give this any thought.. They deleted the message and moved on.

I, on the other hand, also dealt with her shit, and adding the stunt she pulled with that other person, well... I went into a Hulk-like rage. It had me fuming and writing what was going to be the most epic and mean tell-off in the history of tell-offs. But, my husband calmed me down and reminded me that this is the game she plays. She manipulates and baits me and waits for me to fall into her trap. Well not this time. Instead, I enjoyed a nice weekend away from her, away from the sadness and hurt I felt, away from the shame of knowing just how selfish and mean she really is and away from the fact that she does not really care for me. If she did, she would not manipulate and hurt me the way that she did and has for years.

When I got back from the Wedding Weekend, I decided it was time to finally separate with love. As in, I cannot access my love for her any longer. I will always love her to a degree as she is the woman who brought me into this world, but I can no longer be the friend she wants or thinks she needs because it is emotionally and psychologically toxic for me. So, I started writing letters. They were very angry letters, filled with the CAPS LOCK and hurtful words and even a few death wishes. But of course I did not send these to her. These are therapeutic, and are for my eyes only.

I am still writing letters when I feel a rise of emotion, because I cannot break up with her while I'm angry. It means she's won. No, I need to break up with her when I'm calm and at peace with myself. It's only when I'm in my happy place can I reserve the emotions that will undoubtedly play out when I tell her that I want to limit my contact with her for a while until she can learn to stand on her own two feet instead of digging her heels into my back while she stands on me.

I was in the angry place for a long time. I only recently moved through the rest of the 5 stages of grief and into the acceptance stage. At this point, I have still limited my contact with her. Mostly it is because I want to confront her face to face. I don't want it to be via email, phone, or text, because she can gain the high ground if I'm not in front of her. I am still not quite sure what I want to say, but I think it's best for now if I just limit my contact with her. A phone call once a month, and she can stay my friend on Facebook... or a phone call once a week and I will no longer be her friend on Facebook. I think those will be the choices I give to her. But I don't want to see her right now, and I don't think I will want to for a long time. I am still hurt. I don't think she will ever understand just how little she made me feel and how ashamed I was to my friends. My heart aches for my mother to be just a mother to me, but she has a stranglehold on my life like I can never be 100% happy without her, but I have never even been 75% happy with her.

I'm sorry I ranted. Even talking with John and my M.I.L, I still feel like I am carrying a truckload of emotion on my shoulders. I'm looking into getting a therapist, someone who can help me be objective and listen without judgement and help me to figure out what the hell to do. I just can't really commit to a set day/time session, and I haven't found someone I can make varying sessions with yet.

Anyway, moving on.

I have been back on the wagon and hitting it hard with my eating habits and exercise. I have logged everything through LoseIt that has gone into my mouth since Monday, July 27th and have been to the gym all but 3 days since then as well. My FitBit died and it took me about a week to replace it, so my steps are alittle low, but that has been fixed now and I am back to counting my steps as well.

I have created a little spreadsheet for the next 5 weeks to help me work out more than just my gossip-mouth on the treadmill. I took an idea from Pinterest to rotate what I work out. Notice I have cardio every day but Saturday, because it is healthy to keep up, even if it's a 30 minute walk. And my cardio will vary from day to day... it may be the bike, it may be the elliptical, it may be zumba... Who knows?! (Well, I do, as I have planned out my workouts for the next week).

I have also added some targeted zones I want to work out. Core will be alot of planks and yoga, to help gain a sense of balance. Arms, legs, abs, will all have focuses within their groups. I may focus on obliques one session and my back another (in the abs category). I may only work my shoulders and triceps as opposed to my chest and biceps. The circuit is all about an overall balance of working my whole body, and of course my favorite category, "Dat Booty". lol. I couldn't help it. I want a nice, plump butt. I love how they look on people, and I want one damnit!

I added one day of rest each week as well, to ensure I'm giving my muscles time to recover. On the days I do one category more than once (like three days of arms in a row Sun-Tues), I am planning on focusing on lower weight but higher reps, to make sure I don't overload my muscles. I will also rotate the focus on the specific muscle groups, so I don't do any damage. I am finding most of my workouts through Pinterest, and keeping them simple with the use of hand barbells, kettlebells, and a stability ball.

So, where does this put me really? Well, when I started logging my food (7/27) I weighed in at 250lbs. Ouch. As someone who vowed never to join the 250-club again, I was awfully disappointed on myself. I weighed in yesterday, as I think I will make a habit of doing, and was down to 243.2lbs. A loss of 6.8lbs. Not as impressive as you may think. Most of it I'm sure is sugar/soda weight. I have not had a soda since I started tracking my calories. And also since I really put it in my head that if I want a soda I might as well eat the 16.5 sugar cubes that are contained in a 20oz bottle. Yeah.... 16 and a half sugar cubes! YIKES!! I pinned this graphic and have put this near my desk and on the fridge so I know exactly what I should do if I want another soda.

So anyway, my goal is to hit 200 before the new year is up. It will be tough, considering Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are the big eating holidays for me and my family, but I think I will make it work. John and I are in charge of Thanksgiving this year, and I will be on the hunt for a special plate to use very soon. It will be one of those divided plates and I will make sure I am balancing my calorie-heavy foods with the healthy stuff. It may be alittle less "traditional" than everyone is used to, but they will deal with it. :-P

If you look below, this is my current stats on LoseIt. Based on losing 2lbs per week, I should hit my goal in January. But I will need to be a little more vigilant and kick that into losing it by the end of the year. If I can continue to stay away from the soda and limit my take on sugary goodness bad stuff, and keep track of my calories in VS calories out, I should have no problem hitting that goal. I'm also looking for a New Year's Day 5k or maybe even a half marathon to run. It will give me a tangible running goal to work towards.

That was all I really had going. I miss being on here and blogging. Even though I only have a few followers (Thanks Amy and Ashley! <3) I like the idea of this helping me to hold myself accountable.

1 comment:

  1. I love the visualizations that you put in this post. One of the hardest things that I have had to face was my emotions and things that were tied to my childhood. It took a long time to separate myself and now that I have, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am so thankful that I was finally able to forgive the people I needed to but also realize that I needed to separate myself from the situation.

    The schedule is a really good thing to have! I am using a schedule to work out and getting ready for my half marathon in 7 weeks. Keep it up and stay to the schedule and you will see results.

    I am always looking for posts from you because I love hearing how you are doing and the accountability you have. Keep your chin up and stay strong.