Sunday, October 11, 2015

Motivation And My Lack Of It

In honor of Amy getting back on the horse with her latest blog post, I decided to name my latest post with the same title!

I have had quite a last few... months. Weeks. Days. Hours.
I'm on an emotional roller coaster, with no signs of slowing. It has been about 6 months since the IUD placement, and my hormones are still not leveling out like I had hoped; but the doctor said it could take up to a year before I really feel "in control".

"In control".... what a bullshit term. I am not in control of anything. At least it feels that way.

My eating has gotten completely out of control again. My exercise is a laughable excuse of not having enough hours in the day or days in the week. My emotions are a damn train-wreck of fire and burning bodies and death.

I miss my besties. I wish they lived closer. As it is, I have been filling my need for social connection with new friends, alcohol, and drunken rambles about life, and how I feel like a shitty human being.

In honor of this blog post, I also feel obligated to share some secrets and news.

Secret 1: I am trying to find a new job. And I'm using connections in my current job to do so.

Secret 2: I have finally broken down, and have reached the point where I hate myself more than my inflamed and oversized ego can cover for. My depression is leaking like a small puncture in a balloon, and if I don't seek therapy soon, I have a real fear that I may try and hurt myself to escape the mental pain. (For those reading, please do not Baker Act me. I know I need help, and I am actively seeking it. Actively: have names and numbers of therapists and just need the week to start so I can call them).

News 1: I am also so sick and tired of putting in minimal effort at the gym and not seeing the magical results the irrational side of me thinks should be there, so I've looked into getting a personal trainer/nutritionist. I have two I am currently interviewing, with one I hope to meet tomorrow and another I hope to meet on Wednesday.

For the one tomorrow, John is even coming with me. Because right now, this guy has a special where you get someone to work out with you for free for the month! I think it would be cool if John was able to get on board with this. Right now, I think he's only coming with me because I asked him to and he might feel I am trying to guilt him into it. The truth of the matter is that I want him to change for himself, because I'm doing it for ME too, I'm not doing it for him.

The woman I'm likely meeting on Wednesday is close to my age, cute as a button, and hopefully able to kick my ass into gear. I have already explained I need tough love from her, and would love to be pushed to my limits!

Both personal trainers will come at a cost, and it's not a pretty one. Both are manageable, especially with my most recent pay increase, but at the same time my irrational fear is that I will pay for the month and go like two times. Or maybe, it will have the opposite effect and I will be more motivated to go and "get my money's worth", so to speak.

I am still full to the brim with emotions and thoughts and everything else... But, I don't have the energy to write any more.

I'm sure I'll post an update to my personal trainer stuff this week! :)

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