Saturday, April 28, 2012

Depressed... (4/18 unfinished) & Update (4/28/12)

Well, it's been a few weeks since I've updated. Nothing really excited has happened. I'm discovering a new pair of work pants are not fitting each day, which means I'm gaining weight again. That's not good news.

My orthopedic doctor has recommended I lose weight (fucking DUH), but it will also help alleviate the pain in my knees. Along with exercises that I haven't been doing consistently, and not climbing stairs, which I am also not not-doing. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my job that I can't climb stairs. Maybe I'll ask the doc to full exclude it on my next visit in May just to tell my job officially I can't do it.

There is some exciting news on the home front.... My AWESOME Aunt Kaye and her family pitched in to pay for my Open Water SCUBA certification.... which I am currently doing. Tomorrow is our last class and this weekend we'll be heading to Leisure City and Key Largo to do our check-out dives.

Right now I should actually be studying/doing my written final exam, but instead I'm holed up in the bedroom typing away at this blog which no one reads.
Above was what I tried to post on 4/18. I was on my laptop and suddenly the backlight on my laptop died. Sad story bro. Today is 4/28/12. It's 2 days from my depressing of a 25h birthday. Depressing? Why? Because I'll be 25 and have nothing to show for it except a marriage. No college degree, no high-paying job. Not even a M-F job. Why? Because I'm a loser. Today my self-esteem is hovering somewhere between nill and negative ten. Closer to the latter I suppose. I'm fat, and I have knees that limit my activity level. I'm working at a job where I am getting more and more managerial-like responsibilities and yet no pay like one. I'm so tired of being over-qualified for my job, but I like what I do. My manager is just too reliant on me. When stuff happens on my general area I get the butt of it. It sucks. I'm pretty depressed at life right now. I'm so tired of being this big. But my knees don't seem to be getting any better with the stuff the doc gave me to try. I also have no drive to do anything. I fit the bill of "fat and lazy" because there is so much to do, so much I WANT to do, so much I SHOULD BE DOING, but yet I'm not. I've tried the reward system. It doesn't work. I've tried the punishment system, where I don't do something I enjoy doing because I did not get something I needed to get done. This doesn't work either. I need a support system but how do I tell my husband he needs it just as much as I do? That's wrong, and mean. But I'm scared for him too. What if we don't lose this weight? We'll just get bigger. That means more health problems (which he won't go see a doctor for) and eventually untimely death or diseases. UGH. FUCK THAT. I'm sick of me today. And I have to work. Which no one is happy about. But WTF I request days off for stuff then we don't do that stuff so I forget to change the request and BOOM that's how I ended up working the weekend before my birthday. Fuck today. I wanna go to bed. (<-- Jeeze what a lazylady response..)

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